Reception

by Mark Wutka

"Hey! This isn't TC!" the groom exclaimed, "It tastes like someone replaced our regular coffee with Folger's crystals!"

The bride grimaced and said "Mom's up to her old tricks again."

As the bride and groom went to the kitchen to fill their mugs with the real thing - fresh-roasted TC, the rest of the guests lined up at the punch bowls, which were filled with a familiar steaming brown liquid and labelled "Regular", "Decaf", and "Irish".

In the kitchen, the bride snuggled up against the groom as she whispered gently into his ear, "I have something for you that I have been saving all my life for my wedding night." She grabbed his trembling hand and slowly guided underneath her skirt and up to her thigh. It was there that he felt it. He grabbed it, pulling it free from its harness and out from beneath the dress. It was a 1958 vintage jar of good-tasting TC.

Meanwhile, back in the main reception area, the father of the bride, Juan Valdez, was beginning to get a little tipsy, since he had been drinking almost exclusively from the "Irish" punch bowl. To make matters worse, his mule had gotten into his bag of fresh-picked Colombian coffee beans and was beginning to feel the caffeine. The mule began bucking and kicking and generally saying "Eeeyaw!" in a somewhat mulish tone of voice. Mrs. Olsen rushed over to calm the mule, whose last kick had narrowly missed the table of gifts, all of which were suspiciously the same size and shape as a jar of rich-tasting TC. As Juan continued to become more inebriated, he began to sing "Aye, yi, yi, yi..."

Suddenly, the entire room grew silent, except for an occasional grunt from Mr. Valdez. There, standing at the door, was the great idol of coffee drinkers everywhere, Mr. Coffee himself - Joe DiMaggio.

"So that's where he has gone!" remarked one guest, who obviously spent too much time listening to Simon and Garfunkel.

Joe walked over to the bride and groom, who had emerged from the kitchen to see why it had gotten quiet. Joe shook their hands, and then headed for the door, pausing for a moment to wave at the crowd and insure that his contractual obligation of 15 seconds in the commercial had been fulfulled.

No longer able to contain themselves, with the promise of a mug of 1958 vintage coffee awaiting them at the hotel, the couple decided it was time to leave. The guests lined up outside the reception hall and pelted the running bride and groom with handful after handful of aromatic, full-bodied TC.