National Cow Day

by Mark Wutka

I want to write to my congresswoman to ask her to propose a "National Cow Day." I realize that every day in the calendar has already been reserved for other honors, some even have had to double-up, but surely the celebration of such a wondrous beast as the Cow deserves precedence over something like "National Belly-Button Lint Day." The humble Cow, a very unassuming animal, who instead of choosing an annoying sound to make, such as the "Cock-a-doodle-doo" of the common rooster or the "Get outta da way, you moron" of the Newyoahka, has chosen a soft, simple "Moo." In the far east, in ancient times, the Cow's moo was taken as the preferred mantra for meditating. Over the years, however, as people recited the mantra over and over, it ran together, so the younger students, instead of saying "Moo Moo Moo" were saying "oom oom oom."

By now, you must be saying to yourself that I am either drunk or stupid. Let me tell you once and for all that I don't drink. Now, shall we discuss the significant impact the Cow has had on our eating habits? Where would we be without Cow-shaped salt & pepper shakers, or the myriad of Cow-decorated oven mitts, napkins, paper towels, and cookie jars. I understand that parts of the Cow can even be eaten!

Look at the significant impact the Cow has had on the fashion industry. Leather mini-skirts, leather boots, leather mini-skirts, leather jackets, leather mini-skirts, leather gloves, leather mini-skirts, leather underwear... the list goes on and on, although you can bet it ends with "leather mini-skirts."

The simple Cow has even infiltrated our every-day language. How many times have you heard the phrase "What a cow!" or "Get a load of the heifer!" or "My, what a nice pair of earrings. The hoofs are such a nice touch, although they would look better of you had removed the rest of the Cow first." The Cow has been used as an expression of pure joy (or surprise). Ever seen a Chicago Cubs player hit a homer?

The entertainment contributions of the Cow are immeasurable. Even forgetting the above-mentioned leather mini-skirts, the Cow provides huge amounts of entertainment. Two of the most popular sports in America are Cow Chip Tossing and Cow Tipping. The Cows *love* to participate in the sport of tipping. They know, of course, what is going on and enjoy every minute of it. After all, what creature would be so absolutely stupid as to not notice a group of drunk fraternity brothers trying to push it over. Yeah, o.k., but besides Dan Quayle.

The Cows are great prognosticators, too. Ask any Chicago resident and they'll tell you, Mrs. O'Leary's Cow was right.

All these things aside, the thing that most makes me wish to honor the humble Cow is its genius. Forget the Dolphin, forget Man, forget any other creature you think is intelligent. Yeah, you can forget Dan Quayle, too. The Cow stands alone at the top. Cows run the world. They really do. First of all, they control the world's finances with their bull markets. They control the world's airways with their flying cattle-cars, and finally, they control all of the world's governments with their incessant amounts of administrative bull-shit.

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Mark Wutka
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