1. Actual Chinese Movie Subtitles
2. More Wacky History
3. Great Truths About Life that Adults Have Learned
4. From Job Applicants
5. Shoo Fly Pie
6. Owner's Guide For Cats
7. For The Ladies
8. Making It New
9. Office Supplies
10. Friends
11. Samurai Wanted
12. Baking a Ham [CLASSIC]
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
12. I have been scared ****less too much lately.
13. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
14. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
15. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's performing career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions which produced a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere - and let the air out of their tires.
Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
*I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
*I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.
*Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
*Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
*Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
*It's best for employers that I not work with people.
*I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
*I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
*I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely
nothing.
*I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
*Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
*Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
*Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a
job.
*Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by
8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
*Finished eighth in my class of ten.
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.
"You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.
"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.
"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."
"What's a circle fly?"
"Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."
"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's rear, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.
"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."
Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time.
CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.
COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.
FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.
MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.
TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.
Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE - He just holds it up there and waits for the world to
revolve around him.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, a touch of reality.
When you are sad,.............
I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge
against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue,..........
I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
When you smile,............
I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared,.........
I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried,.........
I will tell you horrible stories about how much
worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused,........
I will use little words to explain it to your
dumb ass.
When you are sick.........
Stay away from me until your well again, I don't
want whatever you have.
When you fall......
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath...............
I pledge till the end. Why you may ask?........
Because you're my friend.
Send to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you only have 2 friends, and one's not speaking to you right now anyway.
There is a powerful emperor who needs a new head Samurai, so he puts the word out. A year passes and on the same day, three people showed up to apply for the position: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asks the Japanese Samurai to demonstrate his abilities. The Japanese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a little fly. He flicks his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in two pieces.
The emperor exclaims, "That is very impressive!"
He then asks the Chinese Samurai to demonstrate his abilities. So this second Samurai also opens a match box, releasing a fly. He flicks his sword twice, and the fly drops dead on the ground, in four pieces.
"Amazing!" exclaims the emperor, turning to the Jewish Samurai. "And what can you do?"
The Jewish Samurai opens a match box and out pops a fly. He flashes his sword in an intricate flourish, filling the room with a wooshing wind from the speed of his blade. Then he puts down the blade, but the fly is still buzzing around!
The emperor, disappointed, asks: "After all that fuss, why is the fly not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai smiles and says: "Circumcision is not intended to kill, Emperor-san."
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of the ham?"
She replied, "I really don't know, but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"
Her grandmother replied , "Well dear, because it would never fit into my baking pan."