Kids' Quotes

Deep Thoughts

• My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.
     -- Age 10
• When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
     -- Age 5
• I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.
     -- Age 11
• I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
     -- Age 13
• I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
     -- Age 14
• I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
     -- Age 15
• Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"
     -- Age 15
• It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
     -- Age 8
• As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
     -- Age 7
• Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.
     -- Age 10
• Home is where the house is.
     -- Age 6
• Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
     -- Age 15
• It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
     -- Age 5
• Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
     -- Age 13
• The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants.
     -- Age 15
• I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
     -- Age 13
• For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
     -- Age 6
• Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!
     -- Age 6
• The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
     Age 15
• Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
     -- Age 15
• I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
     -- Age 15
• I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
     -- Age 15
• If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
     -- Age 15

Children were asked about love. Here is what some of them said:

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too."

Andrew, age 6

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."

Mae, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."

Manuel, age 8

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."

John, age 9

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."

Glenn, age 7

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."

Anita C., age 8

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."

Brian, age 7

"Beauty is skin deep.But how rich you are can last a long time."

Christine, age 9

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."

Greg, age 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much."

Arnold, age 10

"All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark."

Sherm, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."

Gavin, age 8

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."

John, age 9

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television."

Jill, age 6

"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."

Floyd, age 9

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree."

Carey, age 7

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."

Dave, age 8

"I'm not rushing into being in love.I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."

Regina, age 10

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"Sensitivity don't hurt."

Robbie, age 8

"One of you should know how to write a check.Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."

Ava, age 8

SOME SURE-FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."

Del, age 6

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there."

Manuel, age 8

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers.You might get attention but attention ain't the same thing as love."

Alonzo, age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."

Bart, age 9

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."

Bobby, age 9

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold ...Other people care more about the food."

Bart, age 9

"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up."

Sarah, age 9

"See if the man has lipstick on his face."

Sandra, age 7

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are -- on fire."

Christine, age 9

TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED

"I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!"

Eddie, age 6

"I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'm with My Friends."

Bob, age 9

"Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!"

Will, age 7

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."

Michelle, age 9

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."

Dick, age 7

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."

Gina, age 8

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."

Julia, age 7

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."

Brian, age 7

"It might help to watch soap operas all day."

Carin, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich."

Pam, age 7

"It's never okay to kiss a boy.They always slobber all over you ... That's why I stopped doing it."

Tammy, age 10

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime.But if it's a new person you have to ask permission."

Roger, age 6

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."

Dick, age 7

"Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up the love."

Erin, age 8

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."

Dave, age 8

"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind ... Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch."

Natalie, age 9

1. How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."

Kirsten, age 10

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."

Allan, age 10

2. What is the proper age to Get Married?

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!"

Cam, age 10

"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get married!"

Freddie, age 6

3. What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?

"Both don't want any more kids."

Lori, age 8

4. What Do Most People Do on a Date?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."

Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go on a second date."

Martin, age 10

5. What would you do on your first date if it was going poorly?

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."

Craig, age 9

6. When is It OK to Kiss Someone?

"When they're rich!"

Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."

Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do."

Howard, age 8

On Science

• Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
• The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
• When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
• To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
• It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
• I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
• Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
• The wind is like the air, only pushier.
• Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
• We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
• Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
• You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
• Question: What is one horsepower?
  Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
• Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
• When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
• Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
• Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
• South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
• Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
• Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
• A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
• There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
• There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up here these days.
• Lime is a green-tasting rock.
• Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
• Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
• Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
• Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
• We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
• In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
• Clouds are high flying fogs.
• Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
• Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
• A monsoon is a French gentleman.
• Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
• Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
• While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
• Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
• A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
• A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

These are reported to be actual statements gleaned from Seattle high school test papers -- or from 11-year-olds' science exams, depending on whom you talk to.

• A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm" (instead of organism).
  At the end of the student's essay, the teacher riposted, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory."
• All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels, and condoms.
• Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.
• Men are mammals and women are femammals.
• Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.
• Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.
• Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
• When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
• H₂O is hot water, and CO₂ is cold water.
• Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
• Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
• A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.
• Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
• Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
• Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
• Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
• Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
• Liter: A nest of young puppies.
• Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
• Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
• For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
• For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration.
• For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
• For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
• For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
• To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.
• For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
• To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.
• To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
• To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube
• When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide
• Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state
• Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
• Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
• Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
• The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
• Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
• A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
• The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u.
• Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
• The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
• The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
• The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
• The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
• A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones you have now?
Jane

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Nan

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
Neil

Dear God,
Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy
Joyce

Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Bruce

Dear God,
If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her.
Denise

Dear God,
I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
Sam

Dear God,
I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
Elliott

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan

Dear God,
Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.
Rob

Dear God,
My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. They are just kidding, aren't they?
Marsha

Dear God,
If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.
Mickey

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.
Charles

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
Eugene

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry

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