The World's Three Biggest Lies Collection

This is an original collection of addenda to the old joke, "What are the world's three biggest lies?"

I gave at the office.
The check is in the mail.
I won't come in your mouth.

But don't forget:

But, officer, I only had two beers.
...But we can still be good friends.
Come on, we'll just have ONE beer!
Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study.
Don't worry; he's never bitten anyone.
Don't worry; I can go another 40 miles when the gauge is on "Empty."
Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile.
Don't worry. We don't need to meet for our team's project. We can just do it all by email.
Don't worry, we'll be putting out the new upgrade next week.
Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
Eat this; you'll like it.
Enough is enough.
Five pounds is nothing on a person with your height.
Go ahead and tell me. I promise I won't get mad.
Having a great time. Wish you were here.
I am married, but we're getting a divorce.
I believe that it will.
I can't remember.
I did it.
I didn't do it.
I did not have sexual relations with that woman
I didn't inhale
I dunno who did it
If it will make you happy, it will make me happy.
If you get pregnant I promise I'll be there for you every step of the way.
I'll be home by 10:00
I'll call you later.
I'll do it in a minute.
I'll get back to you.
I'll only put the head of it in...
I'll pull out before I come.
I *love* your new _____!
I look better out of clothes.
I'm a social drinker. I can stop anytime I want to.
I'm from the government. I'm here to help you.
I'm from the IRS. This won't take long.
I'm in my late thirties.
I'm late because the alarm didn't go off.
I'm your supervisor; you can trust me.
I never inhaled.
I never watch television except for PBS.
I promise to pay you back out of my next paycheck.
It only hurts at first.
It's a good thing you came in today. We have only two more in stock.
It's a problem that's been happening to a few people, and it's currently being looked into...
It's a terrific high, and I swear you won't get hooked.
It's a very small spot; nobody will notice.
It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite.
It's just a small programming change.
It's not the money; it's the principle of the thing.
It's not you; it's me.
It's only a cold sore.
It's supposed to make that noise.
It will be fixed in the next release.
I used to be a model.
I've finished my homework. Now can I watch TV?
I've never done anything like this before.
I've never paid for it, and I never will.
(from Wyoming:) I was just helping the sheep through the fence.
I will be devoting my life to finding the real killer of my wife, Nicole, and Ron Goldman.
Just ignore him -- he's never bitten anyone.
Let me check my calendar, and I'll get back to you.
Looks don't matter; it's personality that counts!
My dog chewed it up.
My wife doesn't understand me.
Now, I'm going to tell you the truth
Of course I did. Didn't you?
Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
Of course I love you.
Of course these donuts are fresh; they were just made this morning.
One size fits all.
Our children never caused us a minute's trouble.
Put the map away. I know exactly how to get there.
Read my lips: no new taxes
She means nothing to me.
Size doesn't matter.
So glad you dropped by. I wasn't doing a thing.
Sorry, dear, not tonight. I have a headache.
Sorry the work isn't ready. The computer broke down.
Sure, I know "C."
That train/plane will get you there in plenty of time to make your connection.
The baby is just beautiful.
The delivery is on the truck.
The doctor will call you right back.
The new ownership won't affect you; the company will remain the same.
The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I promise I'll take care of it myself.
There are no such things as problems; only solutions/opportunities.
The reason I'm late is we ran out of gas.
The river never gets high enough to flood this property.
...Then take a left. You can't miss it.
This car is like brand-new. It was owned by a retired school teacher who never went anywhere.
This is a very safe building. No way you will ever be burglarized.
This is a very safe building; you have nothing to fear in case of an earthquake.
This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.
This is my first time.
Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
We'll keep your name on file.
We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
Yes, I did.
You can trust me.
You don't look a day over 40.
You don't need it in writing; you have my personal guarantee.
You get this one; I'll pay next time.
You look like you've lost weight.
You made it yourself? I never would have guessed.
You have nothing to worry about, honey. I've had a vasectomy.
Your hair looks just fine.
Your insurance policy covers you for full replacement value.
Your luggage has been checked through to ______.

The program's fully tested and bugfree.
We're working on the documentation.
Of course we can modify it.

As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any files.
We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
The new machine's on order.

We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
People are our greatest resource.
We say, 'Let the marketplace decide.'

We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
The boss is just one of the guys.
Staying small is a conscious decision.

Immediate delivery?...No problem.
We treat every customer as if they were our most important.
We're going out to lunch to talk business.

Some day this course will come in handy.
These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you.
This is the way they do it in industry.

Money...it's just a score card.
If it were up to me, there'd be no assigned parking spaces.
You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a business trip.

We always design for testablilty.
It worked fine on the proto board.
That would be much easier to implement in software.

And if you believe that ...

The temperature is going to be in the mid-50's today with rain toward late afternoon, because the weatherman on television said so this morning.
The stock market will end the year higher than it is today because Wall Street brokers, who make their living selling stocks, say so.
Come February, Gov. Bush and Vice President Gore will have forgotten all the nasty things they said about each other during their campaigns for President, and will like each other.
The best things in life are free.
The government will not raise taxes.
You can make as much coffee with the new 13-ounce cans as you used to be able to make from a pound.
The weather in Florida is always wonderful.
There's no business like show business.
Social Security makes everyone secure, socially.
All my shirts shrank in the laundry, because the collars seem tight now.
The soap they're selling now is NEW AND IMPROVED and we can throw away all the old soap we have by the washing machine out in the garage.
Several of my favorite stores are having TREMENDOUS SALES right now with SAVINGS OF UP TO 50 PERCENT AND MORE! I should get down there and TAKE ADVANTAGE of them.
Because of the current investigation of defense contracts, there will be no more kickbacks between people in the Pentagon and defense contractors and henceforth, American taxpayers will get their money's worth in the weapons the Defense Department buys.
Insurance pays all the bills for anything bad that happens.
There is no immediate danger to anyone anywhere, according to local officials.
I have a good chance of winning the lottery.
Members of Congress will use this new, unexpected revenue to help pay off the current debt.

Submit your own additions to the list!